Earlier this week I had a brief email exchange with Mir about our woes. Hers, which she has written about on her blog, and mine that I oh-so-conveniently tuck away behind recipes or just not posting at all. (Before I begin, can I just say that I KNOW that Mir's stuff with her son is frightening and frustrating, and WAY BIGGER THAN MY STUFF. Not that it's a contest, but I get that she wins on the severity scale right now. Just so we're clear.) About half way through our exchange she said something that was like a smack in the face.
Maybe you can take your own advice...?(She gently followed with "I mean this gently and kindly, not like "STFU and do it yourself," more like "that is really good advice and if you're suffering I hope you can be as kind to yourself as you're being to me." So she totally wasn't being mean.)
This got me thinking... 1) What kinds of things do I tell people when I'm trying to be supportive/helpful? 2) Are those things that I could/should apply to my own life? 3) Why have I not noticed this before? (Thanks Mir!) 4) And last, but certainly not least, why do I not share my struggles with you (my readers)?
I think I'm a pretty positive person in general, and quite supportive of my friends, blog and local. I want you to see the good! the happy! the big picture! But yet, in my quiet, personal, off-line life, when I look in the mirror (figuratively, of course,) I don't see the good, happy, or big picture. In my head it's pretty grim, to tell you the truth. So, in the spirit of #4 I give you my struggles:
The week after Christmas was pretty low for me. I didn't really leave the house, nor did I shower much or get dressed. (You're welcome!) It didn't help that my husband was on an emergency for work and was gone for the bulk of the week, only coming home late at night to sleep, shower, and go again. So since then I've been hanging on by a thread. Issues? The house: unfinished and a wreck, repairs need to get done and carpets need to be bought, the tv is broken (Yes, the 52 inch tv that we only bought 2 years ago,) and my children's bedrooms are national disaster areas. True story. The governor just declared it. You could look it up.
Anyway, before Christmas, with all of the floor stuff that was getting done I didn't have a chance to decorate, bake, put up our regular tree, HD didn't put up outside lights, OH! and I couldn't shop before the 22nd because of budget restraints. (Come to think of it, the "hanging on by a thread" thing started well before Christmas!) So the last few days before Christmas were spent running around trying to get everything ready, and no time to enjoy the season. (Self imposed, I know, but try to follow along anyway.) I feel guilty that my parents didn't get their gifts until well into January because I didn't get them sent/ordered on time. I feel guilty that other relatives still don't have their gifts. I feel guilty that the ones that did get gifts got gifts that didn't have a lot of thought or planning.
This is not to make you give me the "oh poor you" routine. Seriously. I guess I'm putting it out there for me-to get it off my chest, to vent, to make me feel better. There is no need to comment if you don't understand this. There are things about my depression that I get: My life is not terrible, there are worse things than what I've got going on. Some days, though? I just need to vomit this out there and then it's not in my head anymore, banging around, demanding attention. It helps me to move on if I'm able to write it (or say it.)
So, I have a question for you. How do you perceive me? Do you see me as supportive and happy? Or do you see something else? Do you see me ignoring things that (you think) I should be focusing on? Do you think, like Mir, that I need to be a little nicer to myself? Or am I too easy on myself and need to buck up and DO IT, ALREADY!
(I'm honestly asking here. You can be honest; that's fine, but please remember that I'm a delicate flower right now. Be gentle.)