Friday, August 31, 2012

I Kind of Hate Myself This Week

The piles of laundry in the front hallway and the pan of bacon grease from last night are just the outward signs. Oh, there's plenty more but who needs to hear about my messy house? My mind is just as messy.

Then there is the guilt. Guilt for not meal planning so my family eats something other than frozen pizza at a time other than 9 pm. Guilt that my husband is working his ass off and I can't motivate myself to do more than take a shower every couple of days. Guilt that I'm so lucky and have it so easy compared to so many around the country and around the world.

I hate that I can't seem to get to bed before 11 pm even though most days I'm so tired that I want to go back to bed around 10 am. I hate that I am getting to the point that getting the boys to do their chores is more of a chore than the actual chore itself. So I just do them myself.... or don't do it at all. It certainly isn't worth the fight or the whine.

I have had a month of the kids back in school and have nothing to show for it. Not ONE.THING has been done on the bathroom. That is largely on me. Have I cleaned out a cupboard or hung the curtain in the laundry room? Of course not.

I have a strong desire to lose 5-10 lbs. I have the time to get some exercise in. And yet? I haven't even put on lace-up shoes the entire month of August. No lie. I'm even reading Bob Harper's book "The Skinny Rules" but my breakfast is still 2 cups of fully loaded coffee and a bagel with cream cheese.

Holy hell when will I stop this merry-go-round???

OK, yes, I know that I've been really busy trying to keep up with football, get into a new routine with school, and find my own new schedule. It has been really $%*^@$% hot around here, coupled with that 'internal furnace' that I've got going on, and I can hardly go outside during sunlight hours. Ridiculous, I know, but all of these things are piling up and piling up and-BAM- I've just worked myself into a little depression. Oh the joys.

Heh. I was thinking about it and there is even more that is grating on my nerves that I can't even write about. Politics, for one. (OK, I can say this. I hate, hate, hate the political season in social media with the fire of a thousand burning suns. No, really. People are so hateful and it raises my blood pressure. I don't think that I'm stupid but get awfully tired of hearing that I am. Read this.) The other stuff? Unblogable. On all accounts, but man, does HD get an earful sometimes. Luckily, he's good about listening and just letting me vomit the ugly and moving on without comment (usually.) Some things you just need to get off your chest, right?

And I guess that is what this post has been all about-getting it off my chest. I hate that I get myself into this a couple/few times a year. This is usually the bottom... the self-loathing. I know that I have to fix a bunch of stuff. Get some sh*t done. Accomplishment usually helps, and accomplishment comes from getting off my rear and moving it; any direction would be helpful at this point.

But move it, I will. And slowly I will feel better.

Headless Mom

15 comments:

Diana said...

Nothing helpful to say whatsoever, just wanted to offer virtual hugs. Been there. I know you'll claw your way back out.

Ann W said...

LOVED this post because I'm in your boat....didn't you see me right by your side, trying to bail and sinking further too??? Thank you for your honesty because it is one of the reasons I read here...and because I really like you! Hang in there...

Kathleen said...

(((HUGS)))

Anna See said...

thank goodness for blogs so we can let it out! sorry about your case of the blahs. love you, girl! btw, i think you've been showering more often than i have this week. :)

Rocks In The Wash said...

Sending you (((HUGS))) all the way to California!

Liz@thisfullhouse said...

I swear, there's something going around. There is most definitely a disturbance in the blogosphere and all the political bullshit sure doesn't help my mood any, either.

Vent away, my friend!

Just Margaret said...

Oh, I'm jumping on this bandwagon for sure. The only reason I actually showered three days in a row this week was because it was the school open house and the first two days of school and I had events where I knew I'd see ... *shudder* ... People!

You and I are a lot alike with the house mirroring the inside of our heads. I'm totally there with you.

kyooty said...

I'm sorry there is 'unbloggable'. remember when we could just spill and no one really knew?

Busy Mom said...

I hope you feel better soon, I've been ignoring a bunch of stuff I need to do, too. I know not why

Karen r said...

HERE HERE,I think being friends means all our cycles are insync.....for you have written about me verbatim. I read it to Kev and he asked if you were writing about me lol. Let us assume this downward spiral is a means to kickstart us in a new direction. I'll push u n u push me. Love u!

Michelle said...

I know the feeling. Today? Not quite everything done that I wanted to be done. And one thing I thought was due that I now have until Friday? I decided not to do. *sigh*

If it makes you feel any better, last week I just got mirrors hung in our bathroom. That we finished (except for the mirrors) two years ago December. Ahem.

Jenn @ Mommy Needs Coffee said...

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry. There is something in the air for so many of my friends. Just know that this too shall pass and you'll be your amazing smiling self soon. ((hugs)) xoxo

theparanormalist said...

I know I'm jumping in from nowhere here. I only sorta know you from Cultivated Writers. I almost passed this post by, but it resonated with me so much that I had to offer a little sympathy.

I'm at a different life stage than you and most of your readers. (My youngest just started early college.) We live in an apartment instead of a maintenance-hungry house these days, and my life-angst is mostly about figuring out how to hold down a full-time job.

I still have very down days, they are just different than they used to be - maybe a little less guilt-ridden.

I thought I'd share some of the stuff I wrote when I was in a situation much more like yours. If you're interested, you'll find a selection on the 'Past Incarnations' tab of my blog.

http://theparanormalist.wordpress.com/pastincarnations/

As for wisdom? All I've got to share is that it does pass. And that you are probably being too hard on yourself.

Heather said...

Hey girly....I'm just finally popping into the blogosphere again, and YES. This. Totally me too.

I have this season in September, Dec/Jan, and when school is winding down, and have decided they are all times when life gets so freaking busy that I need to get a bit of downtime, only there's none to be had. Be kind to yourself, take a few baby steps, and you'll be good to go soon enough ;) Telling myself that as much as you, btw.

I kinda really love this shirt, too. http://www.zazzle.com/ask_your_doctor_t_shirt-235206683138430922

Headless Mom said...

Heather! I LOVE that shirt!!