Saturday, May 10, 2008

The One Without A Title

I really don't want to write this post... I'd much rather have you all believe that everything is FINE! and I'm HAPPY! But there is this nagging post that is real, that is raw, and just won't go away.

When I was a kid, my mom and I had this joke when I would get into a "mood". She'd ask me what was wrong and I would say "nothing", when there was obviously 'something'. I don't even remember where it came from (she might) but we would eventually laugh and she would say "Oh that's right, you're fat, ugly, and have no friends." (It was a joke. I knew that then, and I know that now.)

The thing is, that IS how I feel. Maybe not exactly, but in general. I look around and see women my age and I see the thin ones, not the ones that are heavier. I see women (and couples) that have lots of friends going to lunch, going out to dinner or on vacations as couples or families, and I see what I don't have. Oh, I have lots of friends but most of them are of the life-long variety, not the "hey let's go shopping" on a whim kind of friends. (Mostly because all of them live out of state and who can afford that?)

I feel really inadequate. In my parenting, in my housekeeping, in my cooking, in my being a wife, in my walk with God. In everything. All I have to do is look around me and I can see the evidence everywhere. And it makes me very tired. Oh, I try to blame it on May. You know, the month of baseball, end-of-the-year-banquets, testing, and "Oh shit, I forgot to mail those Mother's Day cards." [I didn't this year! Hooray! One victory in a sea of disaster.]

But I can't blame it on anything except myself. These feelings come up for me pretty regularly and since I don't have any friends around here I guess you folks get to read about how crappy I feel. I guess if you don't like it you can click on the pretty red button in the top left corner, right? That is what I've always expected, though. I have never had the confidence to think that I had something of worth to say, that my words or my work was worthwhile.

It's funny, though. If you met me you'd never think that I felt this way. Oh, I might be semi-honest and say something like "I'm so tired! Can't wait for June! Summer break is when I'll catch up!" Headless Dad was snowed, in a way. He'll admit that he thought that I was a 'strong woman'. I'm really just all bark and no bite, someone that hates confrontation and will back down in a nanosecond.

All of this is why I've been close to tears so many times in the last 2 weeks. I'm just tired of feeling this way. I really want all of this crap to go away-but in all honesty I don't know what I would do if it did.

I love my life. The things that I have are all I've ever wanted. I thank God for that.

I just can't help feeling that I'm just not good enough for any of it.

10 comments:

Darcie said...

I know I've felt that way many times for many reasons. My hope for you is that the homemade notes and big hugs from your kids today will serve to remind you that not a single one of us is perfect but that we each are the most important thing to the little ones who need us. And they care not whether our houses are the most clean or our meals are the tastiest or our hips fit into a size 5.

Hang in there mama. This too shall pass. :)

Kelly said...

First, let me just say that YOU my dear are the reason I am suffering through counting points and making an effort at shedding some excess baggage before summer. You look fantastic and I will not stand by while you call yourself "fat". Second, we all have clutter in our lives our relationships and our minds. It is what you do with it that matters. My mother always told me that if I could count on ONE hand the number of TRUE friends I have then I am more blessed than most. Having a gaggle of friends is not all that it is cracked up to be...all that drama, spare me. BUT I know you are longing for the couples friendships, bbq's, get totethers,etc. You have mentioned before that you haven't felt the connection with those at your church. Where DO you feel a connection with someone? WHEN was the last time you did something JUST for YOU? (and I am NOT talking about the cute toe pedicure for the wedding) What are you passionate about? As much as we are moms and our "job" is that of loving, nurturing mom and wife. There is a time to nurture YOU and what YOU love and are passionate about. If you don't know what that is I say start finding out! Once you find yourself in a place where you are doing what you love...THERE, THERE you will find the friends, the fun, the fullfillment. What that is for you, I have no idea.

Just hear this headless mom...there is more to each of us than the facade we put out there as mom and wife. My job takes me into women's homes, I see the clutter in the closet, the office, the bedroom, the relationship. WE all have it, even that perfect HOT mom down the street. Be authentic, be who you are, that's who we all love! Who cares if you are behind in the laundry? You've got 3 very capable kiddos who can learn how to help with that.

Our church is doing an 8 week series on sex, check it out. I'll be posting the link on my blog for all to see. (it's SURE to cheer you up and make you think!) ;) Let me get through this thing called Mother's Day and I will post it tomorrow!

love-n-chaos!

Tracey said...

Sorry, you are feeling so down. Try to keep in the front of your thoughts those lovely kids that love you no matter what. I went through a severe depression when I got divorced. Keep a check on these negative feelings and if don't be too proud to seek outside help. Counselling was great for me. Hang in there....keep praying....God Bless!

Sam said...

Gee...that sounds familiar:

http://slashdot.org/~SamTheButcher/journal/71695

Crisis of confidence, my dear. You're feeling swamped and spread thin. Summer's almost here, but don't forget that (and this may not make you feel better right now, but) come this fall, you'll have one less head in the household. Sure, she'll still be around and on your mind, but she won't occupy day-to-day like she does now. It'll just be you and HD and the HBs.

Not that they won't keep your hands full. :)

But read that post above again, and measure it to where I am now and what I'm doing now. There's a large difference in that guy. I wouldn't write that now, because I'm more confident now. Confident in my abilities, confident in my place in the world.

Do I have any advice for you on how to build that confidence in yourself? No...not really. I just ended up doing instead of watching. I ended up focusing on the things that were really important to me. Strangely enough, stuff started falling into place.

And hey, dammit, we take vacations as a family! Right fun ones, too! :)

Love you, sis. We should have a talk about this soon. I've had friend crises lately, but then one moved back into town. I haven't seen him since he has, but he's here. :)

Shauna said...

Hi - I am a first time reader - but as I read this post - it sounded oh so familiar from my brain! Isnt it something else how we see so many women that we are sooo sure have it all together...and voila..we are all right there in the same boat! Hope you are feeling better!

Keetha said...

Dear Headless,

I didn't respond to this immediately, not because I didn't care, but because I cared so much and wanted to be sure I expressed my heart in a way that would uplift and not just sound like preaching.

First of all - - - not a single one of us is adequate. Paul makes it clear to us that it is our very inadequacies that God wants to use so that the result will clearly be His and not ours.

It is not WHAT we bring to the table, but rather that we COME to the table that matters.

I remember CLEARLY, as clearly as if it were yesterday when God dealt directly with me, and ministered to my heart about this very issue. I was walking down th hall at school when it wasn't passing period - - - so I was ALONE out there, and with each door I passed I cringed inwardly wondering what all those eyes inside each of those classroom were SEEING as I passed by. It was as if I HEARD God's voice say to me, "Keetha, why do you care what they think when I MADE YOU AND LOVE YOU JUST AS YOU ARE!?!" I can't tell you the FREEDOM I experienced in that moment - - - the freedom to be what God made me to be without worrying what others think.

Do I ever wonder what others think? Of course I do - - - but then I just give it right back to God and leave it with Him because HE made me and HE loves me and HE wants me.

"I am fearfully and wonderfully made, Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139 (go - - - READ it - - - - ALL OF IT - - - that's just the TIP of the iceberg of that chapter.

You, dearest Headless, YOU are a designer kid, designed by the Almighty God of Heaven and Earth. And our God don't make no junk.

Kathy said...

Three things:
1. Have I ever told you that I am awed by your mothering skills and seek to emulate many of the things that I see you do and say to your children. Trust me - you are NOT inadequate.

2. You do have friends around here...a phone call away. And we don't go out with people much either - life and kids just get in the way of all that...

3. There is no question that you will look totally hot on that cruise and you have motivated me to get my fat butt in gear to lose that last 10#.

Cute post about my little one. You were a welcome distraction from research papers.

kelly said...

Dear friend, I read this post today and after I let it sink in I knew I had to pass it to you...I hope it touches you the way it did me! http://ordinarycourage.squarespace.com/my-blog/2008/5/5/enough.html

Carmen said...

K, I'm late to this, but you know I feel the same way many, many days. MANY. You can email me - I can't go shopping, but I can commiserate by text. That's gotta be good for something.

Daiquiri said...

I realize that you don't know me from Adam, but I just couldn't not respond to this heartfelt and honest post.

The thing that keeps popping into my head is that what you described is what every woman feels. It doesn't make it better to know that, but maybe it makes you feel a little less alone?

I should also say that, somehow (seems like some sort of strange mistake to me)...but somehow, I am one of those women who other women think has it all together. I've had my friends tell me so...but all the while I'm feeling totally unattractive, lile a bad mom, like a lousy good for nothing Christian, a crappy wife. Even if I do have friends, I expect them to see the "real" me at any moment and go running!

I have all sorts of theories as to why this happens to women, especially in our culture...but that's not why I commented. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, and the ones who have it all together probably don't.

Peace to you, sister. Let's both just try to rest in Him and know that we have lots of good in us because He's in us.