And I thought last week's journey in the basket was bad....

So my week has gone to hell in a handbasket.

Another water-related call to the insurance company. Oh believe me, there will be pictures and stories for months on this one.

Trying to plan a belated birthday party.

Baseball parent meeting.

Tax guy.

Supercross.

Super Bowl.

And a friend passed away last night. My sweet friend that had 2 grown daughters with babies of their own, and a 13 year old son. Her husband was amazing through all of this. When she was first diagnosed with breast cancer about 3 years ago, during the discussion with her surgeon he said, "You can take her breasts but you better not touch her ass. That's mine." She was always so full of life and well loved by her 9 brothers and sisters. Love you, B. You and all of your Twisted Sisters. I'll miss you.

So yeah. How has your week been?
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Thoughts on Marriage and Tips to Make Yours Work

The rash of bloggers announcing that they are getting divorced has set my wheels turning. Not like Mir was talking about a couple of days ago. Her points are spot on, but what I'm talking about is different.

When I was a child, my parents were separated for a couple of years. While the wheres and whys and hows aren't my story to tell, living through that taught me an important lesson about marriage.

"No one can know what is in a marriage but the two people that are in it." (Quote by my mom, about 30 years ago.)

My parents put their marriage back together, and will be celebrating their 50 year wedding anniversary in a couple of years. (Actually a year and a half to be exact. After 50 years, who's counting, right? Well, we are, to tell you the truth.)

50 years. That's not counting the 7 1/2 that they dated.

But look at that sentence up there.

I can complain about the socks that don't quite meet the hamper or the sleeping that HD does on the couch every evening because every wife complains about that stuff, right? But it's the things that you don't see and hear that keep my marriage together.

My parents visit a lot and sometimes, through laughter, my mother will say "I don't know how you can stay married to him." Which is to say: "I don't know what is in your marriage, but that's ok because it's yours." Understand: my mother loves my husband and he loves her. But my relationship with my husband is MINE. The quirks that I deal with might be your deal-breaker, and the things that you laugh about just might make me punch your husband in the throat. If I lived with him, that is.

I'm the one that he tells his deepest thoughts to. He's the only one that can comfort me when I'm feeling sad. I'm the one that he wants to celebrate his successes with and he's the one I want by my side each night as I fall asleep.

That's what a marriage is about. Those are the things that make it work regardless of what it looks like on the outside. What we overlook in our partners is what makes our intimacy.

If you don't like ironing your husband's shirts, fine. I do. I do it because it's one small thing to help him in his day, making his load lighter. My husband typically cooks on the weekends, partially because he enjoys cooking, but also because he knows it gives me a welcome break from the kitchen. It's what makes US work.

What makes your marriage work? Does he support you in your career? Does he bathe the babies each night and tuck them in bed so you get an hour of alone time? Do you share a passion for stamp collecting? My advice is: take those things and embrace them. Use those things to re-kindle your relationship at every turn. Use them to connect and then find other ways to make your relationship flourish, building on those connections.

For instance, do you love going out to dinner; just the two of you? Great, then plan a weekend away and 'tour' the local restaurants. Any location will do; it doesn't have to be a fancy big city or break the bank. Or go to your near by "A Taste Of" festival to sample the best of your local restaurants. Use this formula for anything that you both enjoy. OR, if it's something that your partner loves and you're not quite sold, maybe do it anyway. With fresh eyes, you just might find part of it that you love.

What about the little things? When I said that I iron my husband's shirts I wasn't kidding. Several years ago our marriage was struggling. Not awful, but our boys were very young, our girl was a busy tweenager, and we almost never connected in any way. So I started looking for books on the subject. One book suggested finding little things that would help your husband in his day. Light bulb moment: if I kept on top of his ironing, he would have shirts every morning, then he wouldn't have to huff and puff around the bedroom during my last hour of sleep. Win-Win. He gets out of the house with no frustration, I get a little more sleep. I know it's not a big thing, but it really helps my husband when he doesn't have to search for the shirt that he wants to wear. He starts his day happy, or at least not grumpy! What does that mean for your marriage? I don't know, but could you make his lunch? get the coffee ready to brew? pick up his dry cleaning? What ever 'it' is, it should be something that is just for him, that will show him that you're thinking of just him and trying to help him out, that will mean something in his day. Do it without being asked to, without saying anything about it and asking nothing in return.

Do these things only apply to wives? Absolutely not. Men, you should be doing things for your wife that she will appreciate. Flowers? Washing her car? Scrubbing a toilet? Taking the kids to soccer practice?  Cooking dinner? Doing the grocery shopping? Pouring her a glass of wine at the end of a particularly trying day? There is something that will make her heart sing. Figure it out and do it.

Is every marriage worth saving? No, there are horrible situations out there that involve abuse, drug use, and infidelity, and I can't say that getting out of those situations is wrong. But is dropping everything at the first sign of trouble the answer either? I don't necessarily think so.

When I was in college, I remember sitting around with my girlfriends talking about relationships. Inevitably, one girl would say something along the lines of "Oh, if he ever cheated on me, even just kissing someone else, he'd be gone in a heartbeat, no questions asked!" While I totally understand the sentiment I'm not sure I can get in line with those kinds of absolutes. We are all human and we all make mistakes. The saying "You don't know what you'd do unless you've walked in those shoes," comes to mind. I don't know what I'd do in that situation, but I can tell you at this exact moment, while it would be devastating, I highly doubt that my first call would be to a divorce lawyer.

I get so sad when I see marriages that are struggling or don't work. Not because I think I do it better. Not because I think that they haven't tried.  But because I know how good it can be. I wish that for every marriage.

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Friday Inspiration

I was blown away by this clip. I don't yet know what it means for me but I think that I shall play it on continuous loop today.



Many thanks to Jennifer Fulwiler for linking to this!

What's the dream that you've said "I'm too old," or "I'm too young," to? Are you ready to kick that to the curb?

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Stories and Questions

We all have so many stories in our heads. Some of them true, some partially true, and some that burst out of our imaginations, itching to get onto the paper, (or screen.)

Where do your stories come from? Do you write them? Or, like me, do they swirl around in your head, gaining momentum but decorum keeps your fingers from doing the dance? Are they truly your stories or are they just your observations of someone else's story, one that would be quoted and linked beyond recognition as something of your own?

Passions fuel the words, panting in your ear from the inside until they scream, sated on the keyboard, and you heave a heavy sigh.
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SOPA Blackout

I know that I'm not a brainiac. Nor am I a coder. What I am is an internet writer that will be effected by the SOPA and PIPA internet bills that are before Congress and the Senate right now.

The way I understand them, these laws will make 99% of the users of the internet and producers of internet content into FELONS. While I don't condone piracy or stealing, these bills go way too far to protect a very few.

If you would like to understand it all better you can check out the following articles:

About the blackout, and a video that explains it better: SOPA Blackout Set For January 18
A detailed look at the SOPA bill on Mashable: Why SOPA is Dangerous

I know that this site isn't 'blacked out' but this is what I can do. For those of you so inclined, look for ways to contact your representatives and let your voice be heard. This stuff is scary, y'all.

Edited to add: Here is a link to a petition. I signed and so should you.
Edited again: A brilliantly funny and Not Safe for Children or probably Work explanation from The Oatmeal
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Little Things

I'm totally stealing this idea from Diana. My muse for today!

1) I love when my kids, all 3 of them, are laughing, playing and generally getting along well. It usually goes well when the sister is around but it's nice to hear it anyway. Soon she'll be gone, presently just for the semester but the larger GONE looms large, and I'm trying to notice the good times rather than always hearing the bickering.

2) Winter finally arrived in Southern California today. It was mostly cloudy, quite cool, and even sprinkled at my house this evening. Granted, I'm totally jealous of all of you that got snow this week but I'll take what I can get.

3) My house is mostly clean and Christmas-free. Only the tree needs to go, but it's actually down and ready to go into it's bag and spot in the garage. Once it is, and I finish cleaning the living room I'll take a picture of the finished product. It's been a very, very long time since I had a normal living room that wasn't a storage area for lots of crap.

4) Speaking of my living room, I can't wait to read. I have great wing chairs in there that are perfect for curling up with a good book, or Kindle!, and I'm part of a book club. We're starting a new book this week so my reward for finishing the room is getting to read. Yay! Interesting enough, the selection this month isn't what I'd normally read but I'm still excited.

5) I've been having the strangest dreams lately. Many of them are starring bloggers. And they are lasting all night. I wake up scratching my head, but happy at the fact that I've spent all night with some of the best people on the internet.

6) Did I mention that my house is clean? I'm loving it!

7) The Broncos. (You didn't think I could just let it go, did you?) The loss on Saturday was painful, I'll admit. I do want to say, however, that no one in America thought that the Broncos have a .500 season, much less go to the playoffs or win their first playoff game. I think that we have a lot to look forward to next season, and am very proud to be a fan. And, yes, I'm a Believer.

Ok, Diana only did 5, so I guess at 7 I'm done. Have a good week everyone!
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Why #1

Why can I NOT keep my kitchen clean? Yes, I realize that it gets used at least 3 times a day. Holy cow, this room is a disaster area. Crumbs everywhere, a perpetual sink of clean dishes, not to mention the parade of dirty ones that fill the other side of the sink and trail off to the right.

To remedy this I have: started making the boys empty the dishwasher more regularly, begun to teach them where the handwashed stuff goes. Next: try to sweep daily, do better at throwing things away so I don't have as many piles on my counter. (I am a serial pile-maker.)

What do you to to keep the kitchen under control? I need a serious intervention!
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