You can read the background for this post here: Ugly, Part 1
My day began around 5 am when I couldn't sleep any longer due to the most massive cramps that I've had in years. I got up and took 4 Advil and somehow went back to sleep for a little while. I got up at 8 with a renewed sense of purpose: I was going to finish cleaning the house so HD would come home to no less of a mess than when he left. A mini Valentines day bonus, so to speak. (I'd actually been working toward this for days but today was the final push.)
We had plans for later in the day so after coffee we really had to get moving. Finish laundry, dishes, shower, bikes in the car for our afternoon outing, general cleaning up.
Lately, I my youngest has had a little trouble hearing me. I think it's selective hearing, but nonetheless, he doesn't listen. Getting ready to go anywhere is excruciating, so I nixed the tv early so we would have plenty of time to get everything done. My routine for this involves getting the kids ready early so that they can play while they wait for me. I sent #2 upstairs around 10:30 to get dressed and brush his teeth.
You see where this is going, right?
Over an hour later (after many reminders,) he was still not dressed. I started to flip my lid. Threatened to make him stay home. Much yelling ensued, and for the next 2 hours he was my chore hound. I would give him a job, then he had to check in with me. Luckily for him he realized that he was on thin ice and complied.
Around 1 pm (about an hour before I was supposed to leave the house,) HG decided to grace us with her presence. I started to give her a list of chores that needed to get done, and one eye roll later I was on fire. She actually tried to argue with me, (which she rarely does,) and I totally layed into her.
I realized that I was pretty unfair and apologized, but the damage had been done. Not only had I ruined my day, I had damaged hers, too. The boys had long since commenced the "Yes mommy" dance.
Remember where I said that I was having massive cramps? Well, back in the fall when I went in for my annual exam I talked to my doctor about my unbelievable moods wings during my period and she prescribed a little blue pill to help me out. She told me that I could take it once a day for the few days that I would need it a month, and should start to take it when I feel like the crazy is taking over. I still haven't taken any, but I walked over to the cabinet today and picked up the bottle.
Thing is? I'm scared to death of taking one.
First of all, the warning on the label said that it could make me drowsy. I had to drive my kids to a location that I was unfamiliar with, on our lovely LA freeways, and since I didn't know how it would effect me I decided not to take it.
Second, after consulting Dr. Google back in the fall I read the other possible side effects. Smart to be informed? Or stupid when a pill could really take the edge off? I'm not sure, but I'm scared to take it. Seriously scared. (Should I insert here that I'm scared of a stupid pill?)
Third, part of me was saying "You don't need this. Get a grip. You're bigger and better than the crazy." The other part? Was saying "Take the pill, already. It's not going to hurt you, and could seriously help!"
When faced with decisions that I can't bear, I do nothing. But in doing nothing could I be hurting them more? What about the days when my husband gets the brunt of this?
Rationally, I sometimes think that I should be able to handle this for only a few days a month. But you haven't seen my crazy. Is it worse than yours? I don't know, but it effects my anger level and it's ugly. Like really ugly. My family suffers. I suffer. But is that really rational?
I have no idea any more, what's rational and what's not. And that's what scares me; what makes this so ugly.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Ugly, Part 2
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12 comments:
I had those crazy days too, which is why I decided just to swallow the pill (a different pill than yours since I have to take mine all month along). I would not go off those pills now if they made me grow a second head. They have saved my sanity and our familial peace...
As for your pill, have you thought about just taking it on a test day -- a day when you don't have to go anywhere -- so you'll know how it affects you?
Oh boy... you sound like me! I'm afraid of taking pills too but I was prescribed a pill for anxiety and I'd often go over to the bottle, look at it and shake my head that I just didn't want to risk the effects. But finally, one day, I took it. And do you know what... it worked. It was totally worth it and now, just knowing it's there, makes me feel less anxious!
Maybe ask your doc if you could take half of a pill and see how that works? It might make you less tired but still take the crazies away. Worth a shot.
This day shall pass... feel better!
I know how you feel, my Dr. gave me some pills to take once that had a very bad effect on me. She changed them to something else and I wouldn't give them up for anything! I started out with half for a while and worked up to a whole pill. Try it, it could make things so much better but you won't know till you try.
There really was something to the Red Tent. Doesn't a serene place set apart from people and duties while you're on your period sound fabulous??
Let's take a vote. Something tells me we'd have a fighting chance at reinstituting it!!
I vote for the pill....after all, you can always stop taking it. What's the worst that could happen? You fall asleep and have the nap you deserve? You have a moment of clarity and focus and the overwhelming doesn't seem like such a big deal? You get through the chaos with big and little hearts spared? Or maybe nothing happens, the damn blue pill doesn't work?
Either way, I vote for the pill on a day you don't have to drive.
much love,
Kelly
Tuff decision. I'd like to know what the pill is. Just wait until menopause hits!
Try not to be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you're doing a better job with a tough situation than a whole lotta other moms out there. *raises hand*
Don't listen to Dr. Google. Listen to Dr. Real-doctor-in-front-of-my-face-who-actually-talked-to-me.
And have a glass of wine at the end of the evening while reading some chick lit from Target!
I vote for a walk, seriously, I was venomous to my kids once in a while and well anyone in my path and just getting outside, in some sun and exercise no matter the time of month made the last 2? dealable. It doesn't help if you don't have the help. HG is there, hand her the 1 and 2 and go find yourself a walk! hows the less caffiene thing going?
I wish so much I was there to give you a hug and take your boys for a couple of hours!!! Hang in there!
I totally understand your feelings. The last two days have been truly, hideously awful. Sucky news about a kid's health, another one broke her ankle, being told by another child, "Your the worst mommy that I could ever have!"
I've have felt like I am on my last nerve, forced to keep reminding myself, "all you can do is what you can do." A little nonsensical, but the rhythm works to remind me to just breathe and get through the moment. My husband exclaimed yesterday, "Get a hold of your hormones!"
Don't I wish it was that easy!
Good luck!
Kelly's right; you can always stop taking that little pill if 1. it doesn't work, or 2. if it makes you loopier than before. But boy, do I understand being on the edge...
Enjoyed reading the comments here and your posts. I've been experiencing these exact uglies but with our four young children being the victims. This mommy thing is HARD and the "gift" of hormones means one more thing to negotiate. To pill or not to pill...a very hard question. Praying for wisdom for YOU to make the choice that is best for YOU.
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