I Kind of Hate Myself This Week

The piles of laundry in the front hallway and the pan of bacon grease from last night are just the outward signs. Oh, there's plenty more but who needs to hear about my messy house? My mind is just as messy.

Then there is the guilt. Guilt for not meal planning so my family eats something other than frozen pizza at a time other than 9 pm. Guilt that my husband is working his ass off and I can't motivate myself to do more than take a shower every couple of days. Guilt that I'm so lucky and have it so easy compared to so many around the country and around the world.

I hate that I can't seem to get to bed before 11 pm even though most days I'm so tired that I want to go back to bed around 10 am. I hate that I am getting to the point that getting the boys to do their chores is more of a chore than the actual chore itself. So I just do them myself.... or don't do it at all. It certainly isn't worth the fight or the whine.

I have had a month of the kids back in school and have nothing to show for it. Not ONE.THING has been done on the bathroom. That is largely on me. Have I cleaned out a cupboard or hung the curtain in the laundry room? Of course not.

I have a strong desire to lose 5-10 lbs. I have the time to get some exercise in. And yet? I haven't even put on lace-up shoes the entire month of August. No lie. I'm even reading Bob Harper's book "The Skinny Rules" but my breakfast is still 2 cups of fully loaded coffee and a bagel with cream cheese.

Holy hell when will I stop this merry-go-round???

OK, yes, I know that I've been really busy trying to keep up with football, get into a new routine with school, and find my own new schedule. It has been really $%*^@$% hot around here, coupled with that 'internal furnace' that I've got going on, and I can hardly go outside during sunlight hours. Ridiculous, I know, but all of these things are piling up and piling up and-BAM- I've just worked myself into a little depression. Oh the joys.

Heh. I was thinking about it and there is even more that is grating on my nerves that I can't even write about. Politics, for one. (OK, I can say this. I hate, hate, hate the political season in social media with the fire of a thousand burning suns. No, really. People are so hateful and it raises my blood pressure. I don't think that I'm stupid but get awfully tired of hearing that I am. Read this.) The other stuff? Unblogable. On all accounts, but man, does HD get an earful sometimes. Luckily, he's good about listening and just letting me vomit the ugly and moving on without comment (usually.) Some things you just need to get off your chest, right?

And I guess that is what this post has been all about-getting it off my chest. I hate that I get myself into this a couple/few times a year. This is usually the bottom... the self-loathing. I know that I have to fix a bunch of stuff. Get some sh*t done. Accomplishment usually helps, and accomplishment comes from getting off my rear and moving it; any direction would be helpful at this point.

But move it, I will. And slowly I will feel better.

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